Hehehe! I found it again! When I joined the forum, this one was on the recent post list, and I clicked on it and the laughed my ass off. Well, turns out that would have been around Mar 8 then. And, for all my faulty memory, some particularly funny quips (that may or may not contain the character in my pfp) stuck with me way beyond that. I'm so glad I found it again ❤️
Thank you for this delightful read. Though, I personally am very happy that I played the games myself (which may or may not be connected to the character in my pfp).
So, roasting my favorite love-it-hate-it game? I'm down for that!
The Walrein said:
Mild sort-of-swear-words
This is unavoidable when talking about SwSh, I'm afraid 😔
The Walrein said:
Using a combination of the latest 4chan leaks, a magic eight-ball, and a neural network trained on everything Junichi Masuda has said since early childhood, I’ve managed to reconstruct complete copies of the upcoming Pokémon Sword and Shield games for the Nintendo Switch
Pffft... And you got a superior plot out of it than what we got. What does that say about the franchise?
The Walrein said:
The source of the incredible supernatural abilities Pokémon possess is finally revealed to be due to ‘infini-chlorians’, a species of symbiotic bacteria that live inside each Pokémon’s cells and allow them to access infinity energy. Pokémon like Magnemite that do not have cells are revealed to receive their power from witchcraft instead.
You know. I'd buy that. That sounds perfectly like pokemon and is a bit more to work with than what we got so far. Also, with non-organic pokemon having to rely on good'ol witchcraft, I finally have more spoopy pokemon in my repertoire than the 58 ghost types. Get ready for warlock magnemite with its infinite charisma.
The Walrein said:
an opening text-crawl explains to the player that the Sword and Shield games take place in an alternate universe where all instances of the molecule H20 have been replaced by another, superficially similar but chemically distinct substance called ‘XYZ’
Another thing that sounds like pokemon. Though, with Galar being based on the UK I half expected the pun to be something like "...substance called soda pop"
The Walrein said:
Glitch: Defeating Champion Leon in a Pokémon battle will immediately crash the game, as the developers intended for him to be unwinnable. His strongest Pokémon is a level-50 Charizard with three moves, one of which is tail-whip, a move Charizard can not normally learn.
Pfffffft! This was the line I remembered best from the first readthrough. I have no clue what Charizard's moveset is, neither Charizard in general nor Leon's Charizard, but boy do I know now that tailwhip is not in it. Oh god, that configuration is so underwhelming... kinda like my championship fight ngl...
The Walrein said:
Delivering a “fist-sized globe of magma to every home in Galar” would not “permanently end the region’s reliance on coal-based power”.
On the other side of the globe, Archie shakes in disbelieve.
The Walrein said:
- Science Fail: Also, it is not, in fact, an infinite energy source. Delivering a “fist-sized globe of magma to every home in Galar” would not “permanently end the region’s reliance on coal-based power”. At best, it would heat a single room for a few hours before cooling down.
- Missing Content: Chopping the entire world in half would have considerable side-effects beyond just allowing easier access to the magma in the planet’s mantle, but these effects are never depicted in-game.
You know what? That plot would have made sense. If Rose out of a sudden turned around and said "Leon, no playtime for you tomorrow, here, take this basic pokeball and catch the sword doggo, I need to cut the planet in half because I'm feeling kinda cold" I would at least have gotten a laugh out of it.
The Walrein said:
Leon: “...so it’s finally happened. I lost a Pokémon battle. My perfect streak is over. Yet, knowing that I lost to you, it’s, well… it’s an odd feeling. I lost, but I’m getting to see the rise of a new champion first-haAAAFDSFSDKL:SA#K_fdsfls PKMNSwSh.exe has encountered an uncaught PlayerWon exception and the application will now be terminated. Press any key to continue.”
Oh man, how I wished... 😔
The Walrein said:
Dr. O’Brian: "You’re too late, fools! Now that I have the power of gigantamax Zamazenta in my hands, you’ll never be able to split the world in half, meaning you’ll have to continue buying coal from Team Pollute forever! Bwahahahahah!”
Yes! Shove a green aesop in there, no matter how much you try to cut the world in half! Hey, it's not conventional energy at least. And nuclear is splitting small things over and over again. Splitting one big thing only once seems a lot more efficient.
The Walrein said:
the protagonist starts to nod in agreement 32 frames later. In the equivalent scene in Pokémon Sword version, the nodding begins 33 frames later.
30 years later, reddit will still pump out new conspiracy theories about this one. Three of them are written by me.
The Walrein said:
the player-character will turn into a cannibalistic Morpeko-worshipping cultist who slaughters victims in the name of ‘Lord Hangrix’.
That seems like a reference... :thonk:
